Month: November 2013

LETTER TO MY ABSENT FATHER…

They all speak about forgiveness…How it is the right thing to do and that it frees you from bitterness. That’s all good but they do not say how you can go from a place of not speaking and not caring to a place of forgiveness. How do you move from ignoring me all your life and then come back when it suits you and I should just forgive you and move on? Yes they say forgive but do not forget…but me remembering what you did or did not do to me does not leave room for anything good in my heart. It probably is a journey, one I am not ready to go down with you…

You never loved me or even pretended to. How am I supposed to forget all that and start loving you? Is it something I should have been born with? Because I have not felt that bone in my body. You were there in name alone but never played your role in my life. How do you expect me to feel anything for you? I could be fair in saying you were just a sperm donor for the one who gave birth to me. Because how can you truly say you were a father to me? There is so much more meaning to the word ‘father’ and just making someone pregnant is not enough. You refused to take responsibility of me, why should I care what happens to you?

It is easy for you to expect forgiveness because the axe that cut the tree down never felt the pain. You are one of those people who expect to reap apples yet they did not sow any apple seeds. Reality is you reap what you sow and it is no different with me. You might think you need me in your life right now because you want something from me. The you that I know will disappear again as soon as you get what you want. How do you expect me to trust you out of the blue?

Hate is a strong word so I will not use it to describe how I feel about you. I am indifferent but I get upset when you try to manipulate your way into my life. You do not belong in it; you made sure of that yourself. You have no idea what it takes to build a relationship and besides it is too late. You can choose to live in the past and call me your daughter but I have had no father since the day you packed your bags and left. Respect the fact that you never raised me. You are a source of unnecessary pain in my life as I recall what you put me and my mother through, I wish I never knew you.

This is an example of pain caused by rejection. A big hole in a child or adult’s heart when the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally turn out to be disappointments. Feelings of worthlessness are common. No one can fill that void. Adults who have issues with one or other of their parents may have difficulties in their adult relationships. They may look for the absent father in a boyfriend and end up being too attached or clingy or on the flipside they do not trust a single soul. A lot of pent-up anger results in short-temperedness and it really is a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt or rejected again. Children simply act out and may turn to drugs/alcohol or risky lifestyles to provide a balm to the emotions they do not want to deal with. When fathers or parents in general fail to play their role they do not know the far reaching effects in their children’s lives. This is very irresponsible and is the cause of so many depression and substance abuse cases.

*This is a true reflection in real time…

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The Human Relationship

 

Image result for human relationships
Image from https://isha.sadhguru.org Why do humans need relationships?

 

 

If you are ever going to do something for human beings expecting recognition and expecting to get their approval where there was none before, you set yourself up for disappointment. If you expect to get love based on face value alone or based on the fact that you exist then you are in for heartbreak. I am human and through my interactions with other humans, I realized this bleak reality.

A human heart is so fickle, the human kind of love so conditional. It can change with circumstances and as the terrain changes. A human heart can love you for what you have to offer it. Human relationships are expected to be reciprocal otherwise there is a loss. A mother’s love for her children is expected to be the purest form of love. The belief is that since your mother brings you forth into this world, then her love is automatic. However, as you grow and interact with other humans you find that even the mother-child relationship is tainted. A mother has certain expectations of her children, and if these expectations are not realized there can be rejection. When your own parent betrays you who do you turn to?

Human relationships have the potential to bring a lot of pain and heartache. Yes, I know I sound very cynical and negative. There is obviously a good side to relationships which is why we cannot live without them, but today I want to focus on the bad side of relationships. When they fail, when they are dysfunctional, when they are toxic….

The other side of love…for there are two sides. It is natural that when one party in the relationship feels short-changed they withdraw or they start demanding what they think they deserve. Then there is conflict. Words are exchanged which might cause the one to feel unappreciated and withdraw as well. This is the nature of human relationships.

That being said, one cannot be an island and we all aim to find satisfaction in our interactions with other human beings. Always with our guard up to avoid being hurt we walk into unknown territories. It is self-preservation.

Only until we find that one that breaks through our defenses, who allows us to trust again and just be. Family can be that refuge, sometimes. Good friends can give you unconditional love…also sometimes.

Then you realize there is no one else for you…none but Jesus!!!1st Corinthians 13 speaks of the love that is unconditional, that is long-suffering!!!yes that is the only love that comforts you when human relationships fail. I feel personally blessed to know that there is a perfect love…that is the love I seek, the love we all seek even if we do not know it yet. We all look for love in the wrong places and live our lives in disappointment. I choose to love God and let the rest figure itself out. When you love God he is in control…he takes care of you!!!! Happy Sunday.


Happiness….

Being happy is an option, a choice one makes. I have realized you cannot go through life waiting on other human beings to bring happiness into your life. So what is your job? Sitting there and waiting to receive happiness? I think that makes for an even sadder existence.

Granted life is not easy and yes there are times when one feels down, discouraged, sad, worried and anxious. These should be phases that pass and not a lifetime of unhappiness. It is actually okay to feel these feelings at times; sometimes the pressure to always be happy also in itself brings unhappiness. You might end up feeling the need to pretend to be happy and this is usually to please the outside world. This is not real happiness…

As I observe children in my place of work and see the simplicity of their lives I marvel at what causes that. I assume it is because they give all their worries for the adults in their lives to sort out. That would surely make me happy if someone else is solving all my problems for me. This is the beauty and innocence of childhood. Children do not claim to know it all and they can be quite content in being ignorant about what is going to happen tomorrow. They let the adults in their lives worry about that. This is why they can play for hours on end and they look so happy that I often get jealous just looking at them. Often I get the thought “if only I were a child again” but to be honest I cannot go back to all those bridges I have crossed growing up, the challenges of primary and high school. The experiences I have had are lifetime treasures.

Adulthood comes with responsibility and accountability that is a huge cause of stress. I still feel that being unhappy does not solve any problems. In actual fact it makes the situation worse; can cause depression, thoughts of suicide and antisocial behavior. So I choose to be happy; yes this is easier said than done but just writing about it is affirming this thought in my mind. The more positive my affirmations are, the more positive my outlook on life and the happier I am. You only get one shot at life, just one. So wasting it wallowing in misery is not something I want to do.

Here’s a few ways to be happy:

  • Do things that you love. Find out what your hobbies are if you do not know

  • Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and make you feel good about yourself

  • Try to live an honest life as lies do catch up and can make your life miserable

  • Take a walk and try not to be in closed spaces for long periods of time; fresh air and open spaces bring a lighter atmosphere.

  • Try to separate yourself from negativity as it highly contagious.

  • Stay healthy…a healthy body and healthy mind. Just to take good care of yourself because you owe it to yourself.

Now I am off to go and take my own advice. Stay happy!!!!