My worst fear…

In that moment my whole life flashed before my eyes…

I panicked and in my mind I kept reminding myself that I am the human who never makes that kind of mistake, who never does things without thinking. I had managed to convince myself of my perfection prior to that moment. I have known fear before…

I recall one moment just before I jumped off Plettenberg Bridge in 2009. But that was an exhilarating kind of fear, bungy-jumping induced kind of fear and it was an adventure.  They call it the world’s highest commercial bungy bridge and I jumped over that.

Pletternberg Bay Bungy
Pletternberg Bay Bungy

Not this kind fear…

It did not even come close to the paralyzing fear I have felt watching a chameleon on my way to school as a child.  I think back to moments when I would freeze on the spot unable to take my eyes off the chameleon.

This was a different kind of fear, it was uncertain.  I reminded myself how much I hate feeling as if I am no longer in control of my life.

My mind raced and I thought “no this is can’t be happening to me”. These kind of silly mistakes do not happen to me. I am calculating, I am focused and I am always one step ahead. In this one instance though, life really just happened and it defied all my logic.

I stood there, gaping at the state I was in and thinking my life as I used to know it IS OVER or will be over once I figure out this thing.

I am trying to put down into words how I felt in an effort to understand the events of that morning. I remember feeling a strong intuition that something was amiss. I trust my instinct more after that because even though I had tried to shake off that uneasy feeling, it had stayed with me.  Now the evidence of that unease was right there, before my eyes. But the evidence of my fear was not what made me afraid. I am sure of that now.

Looking back, I think it was what the evidence implied that made me so afraid. I was scared of what it meant to me and to my life. Did this even belong in my world? Why was it there if it did not belong there? Who had put it there? Everything about it reeked of that word that I am not even sure I can type. But I could feel it threatening to poke its ugly head.

Normally I would run for the hills. This time it held me back though…not forcefully but in a very soft and gentle touch. It whispered “don’t keep doing this”, “turn around and face me” and that alone made me want to scream and run even more. But I halted.  And I am still standing here…somehow. I have not faced it yet but I am allowing myself to be in its little presence. Isn’t this how it starts to grow and suffocate its victims?

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