It’s the end of the year now and today we had our last fellowship for 2018 with my Christian brothers and sisters. One activity that we did was to reflect on the year that is about to end and discuss it based on three things: the good, the bad, and the ugly. In other words, we each had to reflect on what went well, what didn’t go so well and what was a total fail in 2018. I shared my three things with my fellowship family, but I thought this would make for a good blog post. So here goes…
I always want to start with the bad news and build up to the good news. 2018 was the year I had my very first mental breakdown. Yes, you read that right! I broke down in a really bad way in July 2018. I was in a very dark place. I almost gave up on my studies, I think a small part of me actually did give up and I hated the isolation I felt being so far away from home at the time. I hated being here in Hong Kong and some days I could not find the strength to get out of bed. For the first time in my life, I reached out to other humans to tell them “I am not ok” because I was so tired of being strong all the time. I cried all the tears I had been holding on to since the year began. I cried for all my failed relationships and the people I lost in 2017, including my father. I finally broke down. This was after a tumultuous trip to Ireland which was meant to be a vacation but turned out to be one of the worst moments of my adult life. Something about being back in a familiar place, with people who were supposed to be familiar but who had become strangers, triggered something in me and I just could not go on cruising on autopilot. Depression is not a joke, it is so easy to go over the edge. I almost lost it, but I am glad I only teetered close to the edge, I did not fall.
- This year has been a tough one for my family concept. I love my family, but this year has tested everything I thought I knew about blood relationships. It doesn’t help that my Ph.D. thesis is about the meaning of family and I argue that family is more than just blood relationships (one day I will be able to write a post without mentioning the PhD…soon). Anyway, as we grow older it is expected that we grow distant, but as a child, I never thought I would live a life without my siblings or live knowing they are there but we are not as connected as we used to be. The distance, the change in mindsets, the different lifestyles… Human relationships are fragile and this is something I have reflected upon before HERE. We live and we learn though. How I wish we were young and innocent again.
- Another ‘bad’ is that I am still single. This one is really just bad because my mother says so. I cannot explain how or why I am still single, but I just seem to enjoy being alone more than I do being in a relationship. I however know I have to change this bad habit of not wanting to be in companionship with a significant other. Studies have shown that coupling if done properly can have some positive effects. I always say I will try it, but it just hasn’t been a good year for that. Better luck in 2019.
The good in all this is that I am still standing. 2018 started off on a semi-bad note, things were not so rosy and the middle of it was the pits as I have just mentioned. But your girl is still here and I plan to stay. I am not a survivor, I am a conqueror. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. As I look forward to 2019, I am expectant of renewed favor upon my life. There is something that I am trusting God for in 2019, I seriously hope this is the year it finally happens cause I have beeeeeen waiting!!!
Happy end of the year reflections to everyone reading this. Consider doing this little exercise, to think about the good, the bad and the ugly in 2018 for you.