The image of that morning after stands out everytime I try and think of what happened. It has been over seven years since the switch went off. When I try and imagine how I started building the walls, that image of me lying down on the floor; worn out, defeated, depleted, comes to mind. I remember what was going on in my mind was “How could this happen to me? To us?” I cried my first and last tears over the relationship that had ended in such a crazy way. The attempted suicide, the manipulation, the blood on my floor and walls where it splattered, the pieces of glass all around the room when I came back from the hospital. That was the day I picked up the first brick and started building the wall that has now become so thick on my heart.
You cannot break down the walls until you know what materials were used to build it.
So, I am going back to where it all started. I refused to give it any other thought after I cried about it that morning after. I hardened my heart and told myself to be strong and move forward. My strength just continued over time and became yet another set of bricks and cement to add to the wall. It soon became impenetrable and in my defence, I was protecting myself. No one has been allowed to enter since, not completely anyway.
But Jesus is knocking down the walls. I’m going back to where it all started so that I can get back to being vulnerable, softer, trusting.
Don’t be too afraid of pain that you numb yourself completely, because that shuts out all the other feelings. You cannot experience joy without pain!