Category: Diary of an Over-thinker

About intimacy…

I met a guy once. His spirit clashed with mine. We did not complement each other in any way, instead, he tried to change parts of me that made him uncomfortable. In short, we were not compatible.  The result? Constant fights, arguments, and a weak connection. He didn’t last.

Then there was someone else. He was physically appealing, but could never stimulate my mind beyond the physical. Problem with that was when you removed the lust and physical activity, there was no depth and no substance. Nothing left to talk about, nothing left to hold on to. He also had to go.

Intimacy is such an important but mostly misunderstood concept in today’s dating culture. In order for there to be a lasting connection, there needs to be intimacy. It is about closeness, having a shared understanding and an affinity for one another. A lot of us rush into physical closeness and leave it there. The affection and companionship are missing. Commitment-phobes prefer not to have this kind of intimacy because it leads to a stronger bond which may be hard to let go of. I used to be one so I write from experience.

In the two examples I gave above, both relationships could have worked if there had been real intimacy. In the first one, there was no shared understanding which led to a weak connection. In the second, there was only a superficial connection based on physical attraction, but it could not go any deeper than that because there was no further stimulation of the mind.  As a sapiosexual, the ability of a man to stimulate my mind is non-negotiable.

 

 

Emphasis on the stimulating and intellectual!!!

I tire of mediocre bonds that can break at the slightest threat. I long for real intimacy. Once your mind is vibrating on this level, going back to anything less is no longer an option. I sound complicated but the truth is I get bored very easily. If it’s not there, it’s not there. It cannot be forced.

This was written at 4 am in the morning. Pondering intimacy in the wee hours of the morning.

Image result for insomnia
Image from insomnia.net
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Blogging honesty

I realised just now as I lay in bed, tossing and turning, waiting for sleep to come, that I haven’t been blogging with honesty…lately.

I will be the first to admit that I have not been living up to my blog’s name More To Getty. Why?

I thought about it and I think I have been censoring myself too much. I don’t know when I started thinking about and caring what readers would say or think about my life if I write about everything on my mind. Well…that kind of defeats the purpose of a personal blog doesn’t it?

A personal blog is just that…it’s personal. It is like a diary or journal and when the writer starts to censor themselves and only write what is “politically or morally correct” or only write the good without the bad, then it is just as bad as people who lie about who they are on social media. It becomes more for the readers and serves no purpose for the writer.

When I started writing, my blog was therapeutic. I felt good when I wrote, it was my escape. But then I started retreating into my shell again. I am normally a very private person, so even having a blog was a novel idea and a growth moment for me. This was back in 2012 and now, 5 years later I seem to have lost my voice. I have not been blogging with honesty because I shied away from sharing anything too personal.

That is all going to change now that I have acknowledged it. Its 1:07 am and I guess this means the Diary of an insomniac overthinker is back 😊

Life…

I’m sitting in a room somewhere in Europe…in the dark staring outside the window. It’s almost 12 midnight.

I wonder, is this what life is about? Is this what I have become? Is this all there is?

I wonder at the emptiness in my heart…but then its fleeting because when I count my blessings my heart is filled.

Life is full of paradoxes..one minute I am sad, the next I am on a joyful high…

Why do I let people control my emotions? Why do I let people have so much power to alter my mood?

You call me heartless…I hear you. Maybe I am because I haven’t allowed myself to feel.

But ask the guy from a few months ago…I felt something for him.So I think I just have the wisdom to know that I cannot fall for everyone I meet.

This is not about love though, this is about life… I really wish I could care what someone else thinks of me.

I really wish I could apologize for being who I am…

Why is love…those three words “I love you”…why are they so important?

Maybe I am the one who needs help…

As I stare outside my window at a few minutes to midnight.

Silence has a way of communicating, maybe if I listen longer I will find the answers…198

I know myself because I have dared to be silent and stare at nothing….

The Lesson in Separation

Its ironic that I find loneliness to be something that can be positive. In a flash it looks as if it can be a lesson…a lesson in appreciation for all those special people in our lives. When people are around us, we don’t have a need to miss them. Just reminded me of lyrics by Passenger in the song “Let Her Go” below

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Now I remember why I love this song so much. My point is, you get to appreciate those you love in moments when they are not there or in moments when you cannot reach them. In this instance the moments we spend alone/in solitude are not to be taken in a negative way but rather used to remember the ones that used to grace our presence and bring so much joy.

I miss my family everyday, it is hard to be away from them. I miss my friends and everyone I was close to but instead of giving up and succumbing to depression I realize this is not a bad thing. When I do get back home, I will cherish the moments we have even more because I have lived without them before…and I know how much living without them sucks. In a nutshell, the presence of loved ones is not something to be taken for granted because honestly, we are not always going to be together.

The pictures below are by no means an exhaustive list…I miss a lot of people and I could not fit all their pictures in just one post. But they know themselves…The children at Ons Plek whose images I cannot publish…forever in my heart.

My People...
My People…
Vixens...I don't even know how I have managed these months without these two ladies
Vixens…I don’t even know how I have managed these months without these two ladies
A sister, friend and spiritual mentor.
A sister, friend and spiritual mentor.

The new world!!!Is it really worth it?

Another one of those posts in the wee hours of the morning when sleep eludes me. Quite frankly a lot of things have been eluding me lately but I choose to focus on the positive and not allow the thief of joy to have any victory.

I see the world and lately I have been observing it with a different eye. I realize that it is a bottomless pit, a place filled with idolatry of so called celebrities and role models created by the media. I have seen how obsessive we have become with pictures and enjoying the fact that every detail of our lives is so bare for all to see. I have been looking at how preoccupied we all have become with each other’s lives but not even the real ones; but the ones shown on social media.

I find all this exhausting and have concluded that is not the happiness I seek. I have reason to believe there must be an alternative. A different place with different values that may be more meaningful. A quieter place where a person’s worth is measured by his good deeds and not by his dress or material things. A place where real conversation takes place and people genuinely care about what you have to say. A place where success is measured by hard work and not popularity or how many followers one has on instagram or twitter. A place where we can all value who we are based on ourselves and not what others think of us. I miss the simple old days when people read books or shared folktales by the fire place. I even miss getting a love letter in the post…

At the end of the day our lives will not be measured with the world’s measure. So it is a pointless pursuit. I am beginning to understand some of the teachings in the Bible, especially on the dangers of conforming to world standards.

Matthew 6:33 King James Version (KJV)

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Diary of an Overthinker, Pt 2…What’s In A Name?

Insomnia is a real thing, I know that for sure now. Its 3.28 am and yes I am up again. So the diary is out …Did you know that insomnia is actually a sleep disorder that people see a psychiatrist for? It is either sleeplessness or when a person cannot sleep as long as is desired. You can get medication prescribed in the form of sleeping pills…Well let’s hope it hasn’t come to that for me.

What is on my mind this am? Naming things…

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Almost everything that exists in the world has a name. A label, something that defines it. I have no idea why this is on my mind right now, I just know that it is and now that I have thought about it, I want to explore it. What does something without a name look like? When a baby is born, giving a name is a rite of passage. It’s the first step to giving them an identity.

My guess is if you were a person and you had no name, it would be very difficult for people to get to know you. Your name is the first thing most people get to know in first encounters actually. So a nameless thing is actually a strange thing and it would confuse people trying to figure out what to call it.

I hate spending hours trying to define something. I like labels, I like naming things so I know what I am dealing with. Well in life I realise though that this is not always as simple as it sounds. Take the dating scene for example, things that go undefined usually get confusing down the line. But I wonder, what difference does it make to name something? If something is working well and is not broken, what difference would labelling it make?

Well since I have time I could name a few things that could make a difference:

-Naming something means ownership. When you give it a name you give it life, you claim it, it is yours…

-Once you claim something that means you feel secure in the knowledge that it is yours, so security is the other reason why things are or need to be defined/named for what they are…

-Security removes doubt…

-Once you claim something and you feel secure with it then the next thing is accountability. You are accountable for all your actions towards that thing/person/object…whatever it may be. Without ownership there can be no accountability. It means you have nothing to lose…

-Lastly once something is named particularly in a relationship, it takes away the pain that comes with knowing you are not good enough to make someone proud enough to call you their own…

I could be wrong about all these…it might be different cases for different people. I am just an over-caffeinated woman who can’t sleep!!! I know I should stop drinking coffee after 3pm, heard about that somewhere.

Don’t overthink it though…it is just a diary.